I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
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Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.