Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
You Might Also Like
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.