how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.