I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times