Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.