Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
i think my razor is having a panic attack
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
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