Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
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Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
guys I’m going home
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse