“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
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Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.