Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Gods work.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son