You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
jesus, what did this guy do
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time