onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
You Might Also Like
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs