Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.