You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I created you as mosquito food.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.