*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”