I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
You Might Also Like
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
OMG 🤣🤣
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Sign at work today
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.