my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not