I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Whoa 😂
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?