the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
set yourself free xox
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News