Finally, an instrument I can play!
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Golf would be better with landmines.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*