[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas