A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
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if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Planet of the Apps.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Stick it to the man
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Happy Thanksgiving
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.