Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it