12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
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Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Kentucky names the shit out of places
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious