9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
You Might Also Like
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Home is where your toilet is.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS