Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
You Might Also Like
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Not messing around
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.