Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.