Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
True.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.