FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time