To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn鈥檛 mean what it meant? I鈥檓 going with Omelette.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we鈥檝e been doing the last seven years?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Never forget.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
SHARK鈥攊 bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS鈥攈old my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok鈥 totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine鈥ut that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Nose
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 馃槈
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 馃檨
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I鈥檓 sweating mayo
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: I鈥檓 so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*