[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.