My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah