I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
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“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Okay
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain