drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Happy Febuary everyone!
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.