Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
WHO DID THIS?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.