I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what