My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
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*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Breaking news:
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday