‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
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The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*