I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.