I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Yeah. This was me today.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
58.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.