My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
british sex workers really pound for pound
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby