ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
real
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids