*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
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unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Tough love is true love
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
This is my pinned tweet
the only bumper sticker ill allow