Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
(Electricians.)
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?