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(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.