Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
This is the coolest video you will see today.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
The sacred texts.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider