Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me if I was a dog
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
*skinny dips into black hole
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.