My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed