You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?