No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
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Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Yup
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’