football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
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A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday